


See Myself Without the Shell

by vagrantBreath



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Masturbation, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, genderfluid pidge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 08:18:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7525258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vagrantBreath/pseuds/vagrantBreath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A little gender confusion, a little homesickness, and a very inconvenient crush makes life interesting for Pidge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	See Myself Without the Shell

**Author's Note:**

> I used she/her pronouns for Pidge because something I believe is "gendered" pronouns can be neutral if the person in question wishes them to be. At least, that's what I tell myself when I call myself a boy and yet use she/her pronouns in my head or feel like a girl and use he/him pronouns in my head.

It wasn’t until that one night when she had to go to the bathroom that Pidge noticed something was wrong.

Well, not _wrong_ , but something wasn’t quite right. That her mind wasn’t meeting up with what she expected. Her body had woken her up with the not so quiet insistence that it had to pee, right now. With a groan, she hauled herself out of bed and made her way to the bathroom, eyes just open enough to make sure she wasn’t bumping into any walls. Once there, the lid went up, her pants went down, her hand went between her legs-

Oh.

Right.

It didn’t wake her up enough, but it registered that she had just tried to grab a penis that wasn’t there. She readjusted quickly, her sleepy mind clicking back into the right mindset, but the fact she just tried to do that wormed its way into a part of her mind that wouldn’t be forgotten.

But right now, all her body wanted to do was finish up and go back to sleep.

* * *

”Hey, Pidge?”

”Hm?” She was listening, but with half an ear. So close to figuring out a new upgrade for the Lions-!

”Do you think we’ll ever go home?”

Hunk’s wistful voice had Pidge pausing, and she shut down her program with a few keystrokes. “I don’t know,” she told him quietly. “I mean... this might be our home now.” The words held heavy in her mouth, the weight almost acidic on her tongue as she watched Hunk draw in on himself a little more. “I don’t know, Hunk.”

Sitting down heavily next to her, as if his legs didn’t want to hold him up any longer, Hunk leaned against Pidge and sighed. “I miss home,” he mumbled. “I miss my bed, I miss being on solid ground, I miss actual food...”

”I know.” She missed all that too. The hand still hovering over her keys balled into a fist as her mind played her own version. She missed her movies, her mom...

Shit. She hadn’t thought of her mom in a long time. Just one day, she had left with the intention to not return unless she had her brother and father with her and... what was her mother thinking now? Her mother had essentially lost her entire family to space. Even if she came back, she really wasn’t _Katie_ anymore... was she? She was... Pidge.

Pidge felt Hunk’s arms come around her, and she blinked away tears that she just now realized had come to her eyes. “Hey now,” she laughed a little, wiping her eyes. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

”I know. Just... let me do this for a while,” Hunk mumbled against her hair.

One of Pidge’s hands came up to grip Hunk’s arm... and just held it as he hugged her close to him.

She’d be lying if she said it didn’t feel nice.

* * *

It was too hot to sleep.

No, it really wasn’t. The temperature in the Castle of Lions was perfectly maintained. But every time Pidge tried to fall asleep, she felt sweat pool wherever her skin met skin. Underboob sweat, _gross._

Ugh.

It was probably just a matter of biology. Sometimes body temperatures just spiked. Pidge kicked the sheets off her body, telling herself she’d pull them back on once her body reset.

But she was still so hot. And her mind would not _shut up._ It kept replaying the day, going over what she had done with the Lions, the fact they had learned nothing new about the Galra empire, sparring, that trick Shiro had taught them to get out of a certain hold...

Pidge shifted to lay on her back, resting an arm over her eyes. Lance had been such a big baby about it. Oh, he had started by talking up a big game, but once Shiro started putting a little pressure on him and proving how much the hold hurt, he had folded so hard. But he had gotten it quickly, if anything to outshine Keith. Which who cared, really, but apparently they did, so whatever. When Shiro came to teach Pidge, his hands on her arms, firmly holding her down with so little effort...

_Fuck._

He had smelled terrible. That funk of someone who had worked out and was smelly and sweaty and gross. And Pidge groaned as she remembered the smell as he pressed up against her. At the time, all she cared about was learning how to get out of the hold. Nothing else had mattered. But now...

Her fingers dipped into her boxers, delicately tracing her clit. Shit, it was sensitive already. One finger rubbed over the nub, making her bite her lip. This was almost teasing, the way her fingers stroked herself. She could feel herself clench, feeling suddenly so very empty. Her hand flattened, palm rolling over her clit as she stroked a finger across her wet slit. She needed something inside of her, she was so wet, she just-

Her middle finger sank into herself, a relieved sigh escaping her lips. Pidge rolled her hand up and down, stroking her clit as her finger slid in and out. Her index finger soon joined, but it just wasn’t enough. She was still so empty, still needed something deeper, bigger inside of her. Letting her breath out in a hard breath, she carefully pulled her fingers out, then pressed three of her fingers together and slid them in.

Three wasn’t something she took very often, but she needed it right now. Three fingers, and they still weren’t what she wanted. She wanted-

A flash in her mind, a shock of white hair among black hair bent between her legs as he lapped at her clit, warm fingers, bigger than hers, deeper than she could reach inside of her...

Pidge bit back a cry as she came as she imagined Shiro’s face shifting upwards to look at her, his eyes intense and focused on her.

She let herself ride out the orgasm, feeling herself shudder around her fingers as she climbed down from the high. Then, slowly, she pulled her fingers out and made a face.

”And I thought I was overheated before,” she muttered as she looked around for something to wipe her fingers off. Finally, she found a discarded towel, and once cleaned up, she sat on her bed as she realized that she had just gotten off to the thought of _Shiro_ eating her out.

Oh, this wasn’t good.

* * *

This was bad. This was really, really bad.

Okay, so the only way she would be able to hack into the Galra computer was to actually be there, right? And no one went alone on a Galra ship, so someone went with her.

And okay, that someone was Shiro. And she had her head on enough that she could do her job while the guy she had a crush on made sure she wasn’t harassed.

It shouldn’t have turned bad. And yet it did once the ship sounded the alarm that someone was trying to hack in (fucking hell) and Pidge had to disconnect quickly. When she stood, she saw Shiro slam one of his hands into the neck of a Galra soldier, knocking him out and _holy shit_ she was wet and hard and why was she hard she did not have that equipment and yet she was.

But there really wasn’t any time to dwell on any part of the fact she was aroused as fuck by that display and how it presented itself. They needed to get out. Pidge met Shiro’s eyes and nodded. They made their way down the halls as Shiro spoke up. “Keith, we need you to meet us at the rendezvous point.”

”Got it,” Keith’s voice crackled over the com link, the sound of his Lion rumbling under his voice. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”

”We might need you sooner than that!” Pidge retorted tartly as Galra robots started shooting at them. She pulled out her bayard, ready to shock one of them into submission if need be. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Shiro’s hand light up. Pidge let out a breath as Shiro rushed one of the robots, aiming for another and-

\- her hand was gripped in a hard grasp, pulled into hold that dropped her to her knees. The sound of her hitting the ground so hard made Shiro turn suddenly, absently dispatching the last robot as he saw Pidge struggling in the hold. She could get out, it was just... she just needed to twist her body and...

The sound of a Galra lieutenant hitting the ground next to her was the most satisfying thing. Without another thought, she shot her arm forward to zap the lieutenant into submission, only for her arm to be caught again. This time, the lieutenant threw her against the wall, his hand still holding hard onto her wrist. His fingers gripped between the joints of her armor, grinding her bones together as he stood. Pidge panted, the pain making her hand spasm open and drop her bayard. She stared up at the lieutenant, defiant, shifting her legs to kick at him.

It surprised both of them when a glowing purple hand burst through the lieutenant’s chest, splattering blood across Pidge. The hold on her wrist fell away as the now dead Galra lieutenant dropped, an eerily blank faced Shiro watching him fall off his hand.

Holy shit.

”Shiro...” Pidge’s voice was quiet, shaking. She didn’t pick up her bayard, not yet. He wasn’t... he wasn’t looking at her yet. He wasn’t recognizing her. “Shiro.”

Shiro’s eyes snapped up to her, blank for a moment before realization came to his face. “Pidge, are you okay?” he asked, his voice too carefully controlled to be real. He reached out with his metal arm, only to stop and stare at the blood covering it. Slowly, he curled his fingers in, making a fist.

”I’m fine,” she told him, trying to get his attention back to her. “Keith will be here any moment. We need to go.”

”We need to go,” Shiro repeated automatically. Then he blinked. “We need to go.” This reiteration sounded like he actually understood what he was saying, and he lowered his hand. “Come on.”

Pidge carefully leaned down to retrieve her bayard, watching Shiro to make sure he didn’t react poorly to her picking up her weapon. When he only looked away, watching for more guards, she straightened back up, clearing her throat. “Ready to go.”

Shiro glanced over at her briefly. “Yeah,” he said, nodding. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

* * *

Well, she knew her arm wasn’t broken. A bit bruised, but overall she could fly just fine. It hurt a bit when the Green Lion was slammed around by the oncoming enemy fire, but other than that she was flying just fine. Even Allura deemed it unnecessary for her to rest in a healing pod.

Now only if Shiro would just stop avoiding her!

Pidge didn’t really notice at first. She didn’t see _all_ the Paladins at all times, after all. She was notorious for not making it for dinner, too wrapped up in her projects to remember to eat. But it started to dawn on her that when she did make it, there was a lack of a leader in presence.

And that just pissed her off. She just... he just... gah! Pidge didn’t know what it was, but she wanted to see him. And it would be rude to just barge into his quarters and demand to talk about it.

”Hey, Shiro? Can we talk?” So she was going to barge into his quarters and demand to talk about it. Or at least ask. The idea of running around the subject just made her weary and she wanted to... to...

_See_ him again. She just wanted to see him again.

And oh, look at that, he was doing shirtless push ups. Shiro slowly pulled himself up into a standing position, and Pidge resolutely told herself she was _not_ going to blush at how his muscles moved or how smoothly he stood. “Pidge,” he said, his voice surprised. “What are you-”

”Look, what happened...” Pidge looked away, trying to find the right words. When Lance had seen her, he had freaked out at the blood covering her, insistent she was bleeding. It had made Shiro’s face blank out more. And that... that look on his face... Pidge bit her lip, looking back at him. “I just... you did it to save me. You...”

”I killed someone.” Shiro’s voice was quiet. “Not only that, but I did so on top of you. You got to see...” His voice trailed off as he swallowed hard. “I never wanted to kill like that again,” he told her. “And I never wanted any of my teammates to see a glimpse of what I used to be in those rings.”

”We’re going to have to see someday!” Despite the passion in her voice, the volume didn’t raise past a quiet tone. “Shiro, I...”

Oh damn it. She came over, placing a hand on his shoulder, feeling him flinch slightly under her touch. The hand steadied her as she leaned up, placing a kiss on his lips. “We all care about you,” she told him fiercely as she settled back onto her heels. “So... don’t run away from us. Talk to us. We can... we won’t push you away.”

”Pidge...”

”Don’t...” The name just sounded so wrong right now. The situation, the way she felt... she wasn’t _Pidge._ Pidge was someone else, a boy, and she wasn’t _him_ right now. Sometimes she was, and it was really confusing when she felt like she should have a penis, but right now she wasn’t, she was- “My... my birth name. If we’re going to have this conversation, call me Katie.”

”Katie,” he repeated. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. This rabbit hole, where it goes...”

”Then let’s go there together,” she said. “You’re not alone in this. I-” Her voice choked up on the words she didn’t know were coming, and Shiro closed his eyes. “Shiro.”

Slowly, he leaned in, kissing her forehead. Then, he placed a kiss on her nose, and finally one on her lips, resting his forehead against hers. “Thank you, Katie, but I have to do this alone.”

”You’re not alone anymore,” she whispered. “You’re a Paladin. Part of Voltron.”

One hand came up, his natural one stroking up from the nape of her neck to the back of her head. “I don’t want to burden you with something you can’t handle.”

”Try me.” Katie’s lips quirked, making Shiro smile just a little.

Finally, he pulled back, dropping his hand. “You should go get something to eat.”

”I’m not-” and that was when her stomach decided to interrupt anything she was about to say. “I’m not going to eat without you,” Katie amended. “You need to eat too.”

Shiro’s lips twitched at how she changed her sentence, but only nodded. “I guess you will be dragging me along if I say no?”

”You’re darn right I will.”

At that, he laughed. “Alright, Katie. I’ll go eat too.”

A smile started to make its way across her lips as Shiro started to redress (damn, no more shirtless Shiro). “Hey.” Her voice was quiet, barely a over a murmur. “Thanks.”

Shiro paused, then a shy smile graced his lips. “Thank you, Katie,” he answered in return. He finished dressing, and came over to her, placing his lips on her forehead. One hand cupped her chin, urging it upward as he leaned down to gently kiss her lips. Before Katie could wrap her arms around him, to make it deeper, he pulled back. “Let’s go get some food.”

”Yeah,” she breathed. “Food.”

If she tangled her fingers with his while they walked, it was completely by accident.

No matter what Lance said.


End file.
